ATF: The Dinner
by retirw
Summary: Chris really shouldn't have sent Tanner to that banquet as his stand in.


**Author's note: **They aren't mine. Nothing was damaged in the writing of this story except perhaps for a few egos. The boys aren't mine but I sure wish they were.

* * *

**The Dinner**

The Larabee Ranch

"Chris Larabee, if I didn't know better I'd swear you did this on purpose," Mary Travis sighed. She stared at the torn, spindled and slightly mutilated man sprawled in his recliner.

"Mary, I really am sorry. If I try to go to this dinner . . . Do you really want to take a chance on me spewing on the Governor or something?" Larabee asked faintly. His green eyes were squinted as he tried to focus.

Mary chuckled ruefully. "As fond of the man as you are, I better not give you a chance. Try and get some rest alright." The newswoman gently patted his sock clad foot. "I'll just go stag."

"No, no I got you a date. I feel horrible letting you down at the last minute like this," Chris said very softly.

"A date?" Mary's stomach twinged. _Not Buck, please not Buck. It took Orrin months to soothe feathers after the Marriot fiasco. _

"I thought Orrin would kill me if I asked Buck, besides he has plans already," Chris said very softly.

_Thank you__,__ God! _Mary smiled faintly as Larabee's eyes seemed to cross. _Poor Chris. __this __concussion__ must have him seeing double. Shame on Orrin using these social gatherings as punishment for the team. I do have to admit it seems to be working though. _

Mary's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat as a tux clad man exited Larabee's kitchen and wandered across the room and down the hall.

"Close your mouth darlin', you're drooling," Buck chuckled and held out a napkin.

Mary flushed brightly and snapped her mouth shut, trying to inconspicuously check to make sure there wasn't slobber on her chin. _Be still my heart . . . Oh Crap I'm checking out his butt and . . . it's well worth checking out. . . Ewwww Wow but Ewwwwww. Dammit he's . . . family. _

"Tsk, tsk, Ms. Travis really. A bit of decorum please. It was difficult enough to dress Mr. Tanner appropriately, please don't distress him further." Ezra smirked. "He does clean up nicely I must admit," Standish mused as the oblivious Tanner continued on his way.

"Vin?" Mary looked at Chris.

"He knows which fork is which, And he owes me," Chris smirked faintly before closing his eyes. "You're going to be escorted by a man of mystery. Just bring him back in one piece."

_Vin is going to be the center of attention. _Mary preened just thinking about the amount of interest she and her date would garner. Slowly the feline smile disappeared from the reporter's face. _It'll be like throwing raw meat into a lion pit. Those cats are going to be after my baby brother. _Mary's eyes narrowed. "They try and get their claws into him and I'll scratch their eyes out," Mary growled dangerously.

Chris chuckled faintly. _Well this might work out better than I thought. Mary's going to be so busy 'guarding' Vin she's not going to have time to snoop out trouble. That ought to keep Orrin happy. _

"Mr. and Mrs. Jackson will be meeting us at the dinner. I must be leaving now, so that I might pick up MY DATE." Ezra grinned wickedly before picking up his coat and easing toward the door, while keeping a careful eye on the fuming Wilmington. A jaunty two fingered salute and the undercover agent was on his way.

"His date?" Mary asked softly as she studied unhappy Wilmington.

"Inez," Chris answered carefully closing his eyes.

"Oh my," Mary hissed, her eyes widened as she remembered why Tanner hadn't been ordered to attend this particular banquet. "Chris." Mary squeaked in panic.

"What's wrong Mary?" Chris squinted painfully.

"The dinner," Mary spluttered her eyes wide with panic.

"What about the dinner?" Chris growled miserably.

"PETA it's hosted by PETA and it's VEGETARIAN!" Mary hissed.

"That was this banquet?" Chris groaned in dismay.

"Promise I'll mind mah manners," Vin said. The deadly marksman shifted from one foot to the other standing just inside the great room.

"I'm sure you will." Mary smiled weakly.

7777777

The Next Morning

ATF Team 7 Offices

Federal Building

Denver, Colorado

"Does anyone want to explain to me what the **HELL** happened last night?" Chris Larabee stalked from one end of the office to the other, his gimlet gaze falling on the three guilty looking members of team 7. Buck, JD and Josiah winced in sympathy as Larabee waited angrily for a response.

"We went to the banquet," Nathan offered weakly.

"I know you went to the banquet. Believe me I know, I've been fielding phone calls from irate people since 10:30 last night," Chris snarled.

"Mr. Tanner was under considerable duress . . . ," Ezra began only to fall silent when Larabee turned to glare at him. _He won't kill me . . . he'd rather I suffered. _

"I'm sorry Chris," Vin sighed, looking like a well chastised school boy.

The door was pushed open and a cheerful Orrin Travis walked in. "Leave the boy alone, Chris. I enjoyed myself more last night then I have for years at one of these boiled shirt dinners."

"Judge?" Chris blinked in disbelief. _Concussion must be worse then I thought. Maybe I better go back to the hospital and see if my brain's bleeding or something. _

"This was a stupid fund raiser for the Governor's reelection campaign for one thing. Like we need that idiot in office for another term. That . . . politician threw Tanner under the bus. Told those PETA terrorists that Vin was a hunter. Next thing the boy knew he's standing on the dais with a microphone. They expected him to defend his actions. The boy did a hell of a job of it too." Orrin patted Vin's shoulder before he walked out of the office.

Chris took a deep breath. _Vin on display AND having to talk in front of a crowd? AW HELL! _

"It was beautiful," Nathan chuckled weakly.

"Mr. Tanner was most eloquent," Ezra's dimples flashed. "It is very doubtful that the perpetrators of the injustice foisted upon Mr. Tanner will ever be foolish enough to repeat their actions. That is if they weren't drawn and quartered, or stoned by their followers."

"What did you do?" Chris asked faintly.

"Recited a poem," Vin smirked and his eyes twinkled mischievously.

Chris frowned and looked bewildered.

"Oh he most certainly did." Ezra's eyes danced as he recited the poem from memory.

**VEGETARIAN'S NIGHTMARE**

a dissertation on plant's rights

Ladies and diners I make you

A shameful, degrading confession.

A deed of disgrace in the name of good taste

Though I did it, I meant no aggression.

I had planted a garden last April

And lovingly sang it a ballad.

But later in June beneath a full moon

Forgive me, I wanted a salad!

So I slipped out and fondled a carrot

Caressing its feathery top.

With the force of a brute I tore out the root!

It whimpered and came with a pop!

Then laying my hand on a radish

I jerked and it left a small crater.

Then with the blade of my True Value spade

I exhumed a slumbering tater!

Celery I plucked, I twisted a squash!

Tomatoes were wincing in fear.

I choked the Romaine. It screamed out in pain,

Their anguish was filling my ears!

I finally came to the lettuce

As it cringed at the top of the row

With one wicked slice I beheaded it twice

As it writhed, I dealt a death blow.

I butchered the onions and parsley.

My hoe was all covered with gore.

I chopped and I whacked without looking back

Then I stealthily slipped in the door.

My bounty lay naked and dying

So I drowned them to snuff out their life.

I sliced and I peeled as they thrashed and they reeled

On the cutting board under my knife.

I violated tomatoes

So their innards could never survive.

I grated and ground 'til they made not a sound

Then I boiled the tater alive!

Then I took the small broken pieces

I had tortured and killed with my hands

And tossed them together, heedless of whether

They suffered or made their demands.

I ate them. Forgive me, I'm sorry

But hear me, though I'm a beginner

Those plants feel pain, though it's hard to explain

To someone who eats them for dinner!

I intend to begin a crusade

For PLANT'S RIGHTS, including chick peas.

The A.C.L.U. will be helping me too.

In the meantime, please pass the bleu cheese

Chris' lips twitched. JD began to chuckle. Josiah smiled benignly.

Buck shook his head. "No wonder they were calling Chris. That musta gone over as good as a turd in the punch bowl.

"How 'bout a thick juicy RARE steak for lunch?" Nathan suggested. "Don't think I can face a salad for a while."

"Sounds good. Get to work, you bums," Chris laughed. "Shakespeare, in my office."

* * *

Vegetarian's Nightmare was written by Baxter Black, a cowboy poet among many other talents. Check out some of his other poems on the internet.


End file.
